From:   Cpt. David L. Collins, Jr., Chicago Police Department Internal Affairs Division
To:       Chicago Police Department Board of Review; The Fraternal Order of Police—Chicago Lodge 7
CC:      Officer Anthony Villanueva

In Re:  Officer Anthony Villanueva

On the evening of Saturday, January 19, 2013, at 7:37 P.M., Officer Anthony Villanueva stopped a 2004 Nissan Maxima driven by Peter O’Malley, 37, of Chicago, for a speed limit violation along the 4200 block of North Damen Avenue.  According to Officer Villanueva’s incident report, Mr. O’Malley seemed “touched with drink.”  Officer Villanueva asked Mr. O’Malley to exit his vehicle, which he did without protest according to both the incident report and the formal complaint filed by Mr. O’Malley.

The most important thing that non-football fans must know about Super Bowl XLIII or XLV or whatever, is that the coaches of both teams are brothers.  Jim Harbaugh is a former NFL quarterback, and coaches the San Francisco 49ers.  The other Harbaugh, whose first name and biography I don’t know and refuse to look up, coaches the Baltimore Ravens.  I will call him Cyrus.

Beyond that, I can’t tell you a lot.  Ray Lewis plays for the Ravens.  Not sure if he’s on defense or offense.  Let’s say defense and that he will be a game changer.  I don’t know the name of any other player on either team.  Worse, I don’t care.  Here are my predictions:

Cyrus Harbaugh may not have played in the NFL (honestly, no idea) but one thing is certain:  when the game is in the balance, this 6’10” behemoth will stride onto the field and play whatever position he chooses.  He can bench press 1700 pounds, runs the 40 in 0.8 seconds, and once ate a StairMaster on a dare.  Expect some 4th quarter theatrics when the noble Cyrus dons a Raven uniform and—in neither pads nor a helmet—subdues the 49er offense in a chilling display of raw power.


The game will be at least 11 hours long.  Most of that will be commercials, and man, they are going to be hilarious!