NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY
CITIZEN MONITORING CORPS, SECTION 5878, GROUP K
(Obtained via Freedom of Information Act request by Dennis O’Toole)
OTHER ALIASES: D-Train, D-Nice, NewFridgeD, Big D, Cornish Den, D-O-T, and DenDen.
PREFECTURE: Great Lakes, Urban District 7.
GENDER: Male, though when given the opportunity to write manually on surveys that ask for “sex” instead of “gender,” O’Toole has written “Yes” each time since he was 11 years old.
OCCUPATION: post-humanities-major office drone
WEIGHT: 135 lbs.
EYES: Protean: varies from green to blue to gray, depending on his shirt/attitude
RELIGION: Leftist Roman Catholic
CONFIRMATION NAME: George (rec’d 12/8/1987, Archdiocese of Chicago)
POLITICAL BELIEFS: Semi-pacifistic, pro-regulatory leftist with permissive views on taxes, restrictive views on gun control, and fence-sitting views on abortion. Comprehensive voting history attached.
THREAT LEVEL: MAUVE
O’Toole uses both Yahoo and Google mail platforms, each with the username doctordtrain74. He maintains the Twitter account @deeohtee, which is somewhat funny at best. He contributed thousands of posts over many years to improv message boards under the usernames DennisOT and NewFridgeD. (See: Chicago Improv Network, Improv Chicago, Sweepedit, etc.) O’Toole was once one of the finest practitioners of the medium. For example, he took the occasion of getting a new refrigerator in his apartment on 8/5/2003 for changing his username to NewFridgeD. (See attached: “I Just Got a New Fridge.”) There has been a notable decline in his writing, both in output and quality, ever since the Department of Citizen Life Monitoring rendered message boards obsolete.
We are no longer able to track O’Toole via the Department of Citizen Life Monitoring since he deactivated his account on 6/14/2013 for reasons too pretentious to cite. He explained his decision in a recent 8,345 word screed on his blog, NowYoureRidingTheDTrain.wordpress.com. (See attached: “Why I Quit Facebook,” if you have that kind of time to waste.)
TONE/CONTENT OF EMAILS:
O’Toole claims to use email@example.com for “social” correspondence (i.e., chit chat with family and friends) and firstname.lastname@example.org for his “freelance career.” However, he rarely submits freelance material and his Gmail outbox contains less than one hundred emails. Most items in this inbox are promotional messages from Southwest Airlines, Trader Joe’s IKEA, Crate and Barrel, American Girl Place (your guess is as good as mine), Whole Foods, Groupon, REI, Banana Republic, and other corporations popular among mildly-educated urban liberals. Whenever a friend or relative accidentally emails him at his Gmail account he admonishes the person, “Please don’t clutter this inbox. I need it for my freelance work.” Such emails constitute 71.3% of his outbox.
Though a self-described liberal who donated $25 to Barack Obama’s first presidential campaign on 10/28/2008, and despite the fact that he attended a screening of Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 at 1440h on 6/26/2004, the content of his emails rarely touches the political. The vast majority of his emails throughout the Global War on Terror and the Redistribution of Wealth Upwards have been complaints about his job—which does sound terrible. Though he often ends with, “Thanks for letting me vent,” most of these tedious, whiney messages do not get a response. Recipients forward them on to friends with sardonic subject lines like, “He’s doing it again,” and, “Oh God, just quit already.”
O’Toole used two platforms created by the Department of Citizen Replenishment to select a mate: Match.com and OKCupid, each under the unfortunate username Luv2GivGiv2Luv. He used Match.com for two months in 2012 (September and October) and went on four dates. He claims three of these women were “lame and uptight,” though we have read their files and conclude that only one was. The fourth was, he wrote in his journal, “nice but not his speed.” In truth she was android created by the D.C.R. for the nation’s Strategic Sperm Reserve. Unfortunately, O’Toole suffers from Recurrent Catholicism Syndrome and chose not to copulate with her/it. On 10/21/2012, O’Toole quit match by sending an email to the Match.com help desk claiming that the website “sucked,” that “the pictures were too small to see,” and that “using the website was like using the Internet in 1996.” No one at Match ever responded, if you can believe that.
Within days of his unanswered Match.com complaint, he opened an OKCupid account. He emailed two women via the site and went on a date with one. Just five and a half months later, O’Toole and [REDACTED] got engaged. We have reviewed [REDACTED]’s social media report and agree with O’Toole’s assessment: [REDACTED] is a wonderful person: smart, funny, and sexy as the day is long. He is very lucky indeed: we calculate that a man like O’Toole has a 0.00031% chance of landing a woman like [REDACTED]. The two will wed this September. We are monitoring their gift registry.
O’Toole’s occasional political comments, astute though they may be, are too overwhelmed by his tedious griping to be taken as a threat to The System. While nominally liberal, he is a good citizen: complacent, docile, and obsessed with the craft beer movement that we created to distract the intelligent. We cautiously recommend that he NOT be liquidated, and that the N.S.A only reassess this data-profile if/when his political beliefs become operational.
Capital Prefecture, Exurban District 4