DennisOToole.com Exclusive! NPR's Leaked "How to Talk to the Public" Memo

MEMORANDUM




TO: All Employees
FROM: NPR External Relations Department
SUBJECT:  How to Speak to the Public
TOTEBAG:  RED

DATE: March 9, 2011

In the current political climate, NPR employees must assume that every stranger we meet is secretly recording our conversations with the intent of discrediting NPR.  (Please see yesterday’s memo, “STRANGER DANGER.”)

We have gotten feedback from many of you that feigning temporary deafness is not always practical.  Therefore, we have compiled this sample quiz for those times when replying to people is simply unavoidable.  Please study this closely, and respond to the public in kind!

1. What do you think of the Tea Party?

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          A)    “What a bunch of psychos!”
          B)    “Could have used more Earl Gray.  No, I’m kidding!  They are patriots.”
          C)    “A little too liberal for my taste.”

(Answer: C)

2. Did the stimulus work?

          A)     “I have no opinion on any domestic US policy decision made after 1904.”
          B)    “Don’t tread on me.”
          C)    “Da, comrade.”

(Answer: A or B)

3. Who is your favorite member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour?

          A)    “Never heard of it.”
          B)    “GIT-R-DONE!”
          C)    “Woody Allen.”

(Answer: B)

4. Che Guevara would have fixed the economy by now, don’t you think?

          A)    “Jay Guh-who-va?”
          B)    “I agree!  In fact, check out this cool tattoo I have!”
          C)    “Sí, amigo mío. Él es mi héroe.”

(Answer: A)

5. Who do you like more: Number 8 or Number 3?

          A)    “Uh... I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
          B)    “Why, 3, of course.  I find the prime numbers most elegant.”
          C)    [Begin crying.] “Oh, Intimidator!  Why’d you have to leave us?”

(Answer: C)

6. Why won’t they release his birth certificate?

          A)    “It’s been released several times.”
          B)    “Whose birth certificate?”
          C)    “GIT-R-DONE!”

(Answer: C)

7. Should congress cut federal funding for National Public Radio?

           A)    “Pry it from my cold, dead hands.”
           B)    “NPR receives federal funding?”
           C)    “Good question!  Dana Davis Rehm, NPR's senior vice president of marketing, communications and  external relations, can help you with that and all other queries.  Now, if you’ll pardon me, I have to go help  create a more informed public - one challenged and invigorated by a deeper understanding and appreciation  of events, ideas and cultures.”

 (Answer: B)