Beyond that, I can’t tell you a lot. Ray Lewis plays for the Ravens. Not sure if he’s on defense or offense. Let’s say defense and that he will be a game changer. I don’t know the name of any other player on either team. Worse, I don’t care. Here are my predictions:
Cyrus Harbaugh may not have played in the NFL (honestly, no idea) but one thing is certain: when the game is in the balance, this 6’10” behemoth will stride onto the field and play whatever position he chooses. He can bench press 1700 pounds, runs the 40 in 0.8 seconds, and once ate a StairMaster on a dare. Expect some 4th quarter theatrics when the noble Cyrus dons a Raven uniform and—in neither pads nor a helmet—subdues the 49er offense in a chilling display of raw power.
The game will be at least 11 hours long. Most of that will be commercials, and man, they are going to be hilarious!
Do not talk when a commercial is playing. Ever. It does not matter how vital the conversation is—say, gun control. Or, the primacy of chunky guacamole over its creamy sibling. If you talk, your friends will shush you using the same moral indignation one wields upon people who talk about sex during church.
Assuming both teams were undefeated in the regular season, this will be a Super Bowl for the ages. On the other hand, if both teams are wildcards with middling records, then the NFL should seriously reassess its play-off system.
Who do I think will win? I cannot say, only: Hope humbly. Wait the great teacher Death; and God adore! What future bliss Jim or Cyrus Harbaugh have, he gives not thee to know, but gives that hope that to be thy blessing now.
That’s Alexander Pope again. My paraphrase, of course. Jim Harbaugh did not exist in 1733—though Cyrus did. Yea, he is a fearsome, indestructible monster.