MEMORANDUM
February 5, 2013
From: Cpt. David L. Collins, Jr., Chicago Police Department Internal Affairs Division
To: Chicago Police Department Board of Review; The Fraternal Order of Police—Chicago Lodge 7
CC: Officer Anthony Villanueva
In Re: Officer Anthony Villanueva
On the evening of Saturday, January 19, 2013, at 7:37 P.M., Officer Anthony Villanueva stopped a 2004 Nissan Maxima driven by Peter O’Malley, 37, of Chicago, for a speed limit violation along the 4200 block of North Damen Avenue. According to Officer Villanueva’s incident report, Mr. O’Malley seemed “touched with drink.” Officer Villanueva asked Mr. O’Malley to exit his vehicle, which he did without protest according to both the incident report and the formal complaint filed by Mr. O’Malley.
To: Chicago Police Department Board of Review; The Fraternal Order of Police—Chicago Lodge 7
CC: Officer Anthony Villanueva
In Re: Officer Anthony Villanueva
On the evening of Saturday, January 19, 2013, at 7:37 P.M., Officer Anthony Villanueva stopped a 2004 Nissan Maxima driven by Peter O’Malley, 37, of Chicago, for a speed limit violation along the 4200 block of North Damen Avenue. According to Officer Villanueva’s incident report, Mr. O’Malley seemed “touched with drink.” Officer Villanueva asked Mr. O’Malley to exit his vehicle, which he did without protest according to both the incident report and the formal complaint filed by Mr. O’Malley.
After Mr. O’Malley refused a Breathalyzer test, Officer Villanueva quizzed him on “the basics of Western prosody.” Mr. O’Malley could not identify the stressed syllable in a trochee, the number of lines in a sonnet, or name or “who dragged whom around what.”
“[T]he individual’s inability to cite that which rests upon all sober tongues,” Officer Villanueva wrote, “Made clear [that] he was a danger to himself and others.”
Later that same night, at 11:05 P.M., Officer Villanueva stopped a 2012 BMW M5 driven by Dr. Robert Sorenberg, M.D., for a red light violation at the intersection of Leavitt Avenue and Irving Park Road. Dr. Sorenberg, 51, of Lake Forest, IL, disputes that any violation occurred, claiming through his attorney that, “The light was not even yellow.”
According to both Officer Villanueva’s incident report and a formal complaint filed by Dr. Sorenberg’s attorney, Dr. Sorenberg was arrested for grand theft auto after failing to answer Civil War trivia. The arrest is best told in Officer Villanueva’s words:
I asked the individual—a lean, angular man of half a century—to name three Union generals, disqualifying U.S. Grant and W.T. Sherman since even the illiterate know of them. As the individual could not name any Northern general, (not even A.E. Burnside—a veritable namesake if one considers the individual’s massive sideburns), I deduced him not educated enough to own a BMW and, ergo, that he had stolen it. I placed him under arrest.
Here the individual unleashed a sally of Germanic epithets more commonly heard from drivers of rusted Korean jalopies than of sleek Bavarian sedans. As I placed cuffs about his thin, almost feminine wrists, the individual claimed to be a famous neurosurgeon and who could “have my badge.”
This sudden burst of synecdoche gave me pause, as most criminals would struggle to form even a mere litotes. I would have quizzed the individual on the functions of the diencephalon, the telencephalon, and the glossopharyngeal nerve, but alas! I am but a dilettante, unable to distinguish the practiced dissembler from the trained neuroscientist.
Officer Villanueva defends the arrest over 19 single-spaced, heavily-footnoted pages, offering criteria like the “crude rock and roll L.P.” found in the car's CD player; a University of Illinois window sticker; and Dr. Sorenberg’s sweater, “which bore the seal of the Chicago White Socks {sic}.” Officer Villanueva offers these and many other (dare I say countless?) examples of “working-class detritus” to prove that “the individual is a churl.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
These are but a few of the many complaints against Officer Villanueva. In incident after incident, he measures our citizenry by the same standards that we in the C.P.D. hold for ourselves— a noble objective, perhaps, but naïve in perspective and dangerous in practice.
A word must be said about Officer Villanueva’s incident reports: provocative, erudite, pregnant with restrained wit— and yet invariably: overlong, mannered, and dense with arcane vocabulary and Alexandrian diction. Worst, perhaps, is Officer Villanueva’s tone: condescending, pedantic, and in the end soporific. Any commander or district attorney with the ill-fortune to review a report penned by the young Officer will inevitably evoke Dr. Johnson to intone, “‘None ever wished it longer…’”
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, OFFICER VILLANUEVA:
Anthony Villanueva is a young man of wit, courage, and probity. In time he may prove a fine officer. However, his current mien befits the schoolmaster more than the constable.
-Cpt. David L. Collins, Jr., LL.D.
“[T]he individual’s inability to cite that which rests upon all sober tongues,” Officer Villanueva wrote, “Made clear [that] he was a danger to himself and others.”
Later that same night, at 11:05 P.M., Officer Villanueva stopped a 2012 BMW M5 driven by Dr. Robert Sorenberg, M.D., for a red light violation at the intersection of Leavitt Avenue and Irving Park Road. Dr. Sorenberg, 51, of Lake Forest, IL, disputes that any violation occurred, claiming through his attorney that, “The light was not even yellow.”
According to both Officer Villanueva’s incident report and a formal complaint filed by Dr. Sorenberg’s attorney, Dr. Sorenberg was arrested for grand theft auto after failing to answer Civil War trivia. The arrest is best told in Officer Villanueva’s words:
I asked the individual—a lean, angular man of half a century—to name three Union generals, disqualifying U.S. Grant and W.T. Sherman since even the illiterate know of them. As the individual could not name any Northern general, (not even A.E. Burnside—a veritable namesake if one considers the individual’s massive sideburns), I deduced him not educated enough to own a BMW and, ergo, that he had stolen it. I placed him under arrest.
Here the individual unleashed a sally of Germanic epithets more commonly heard from drivers of rusted Korean jalopies than of sleek Bavarian sedans. As I placed cuffs about his thin, almost feminine wrists, the individual claimed to be a famous neurosurgeon and who could “have my badge.”
This sudden burst of synecdoche gave me pause, as most criminals would struggle to form even a mere litotes. I would have quizzed the individual on the functions of the diencephalon, the telencephalon, and the glossopharyngeal nerve, but alas! I am but a dilettante, unable to distinguish the practiced dissembler from the trained neuroscientist.
Officer Villanueva defends the arrest over 19 single-spaced, heavily-footnoted pages, offering criteria like the “crude rock and roll L.P.” found in the car's CD player; a University of Illinois window sticker; and Dr. Sorenberg’s sweater, “which bore the seal of the Chicago White Socks {sic}.” Officer Villanueva offers these and many other (dare I say countless?) examples of “working-class detritus” to prove that “the individual is a churl.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
These are but a few of the many complaints against Officer Villanueva. In incident after incident, he measures our citizenry by the same standards that we in the C.P.D. hold for ourselves— a noble objective, perhaps, but naïve in perspective and dangerous in practice.
A word must be said about Officer Villanueva’s incident reports: provocative, erudite, pregnant with restrained wit— and yet invariably: overlong, mannered, and dense with arcane vocabulary and Alexandrian diction. Worst, perhaps, is Officer Villanueva’s tone: condescending, pedantic, and in the end soporific. Any commander or district attorney with the ill-fortune to review a report penned by the young Officer will inevitably evoke Dr. Johnson to intone, “‘None ever wished it longer…’”
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, OFFICER VILLANUEVA:
- Is suspended for six-weeks without pay;
- Must surrender his service-issue micrographic Oxford English Dictionary to his precinct librarian;
- Must study Fowler.
Anthony Villanueva is a young man of wit, courage, and probity. In time he may prove a fine officer. However, his current mien befits the schoolmaster more than the constable.
-Cpt. David L. Collins, Jr., LL.D.
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